When I should have been studying, I have found my mind wandering off to think about the flight I will have to take in the next month and I became so nervous that I decided that I would cancel it. I’m looking forward to this holiday so much and I know that I will be absolutely fine when I’m there, I’m going with great people who will be there for me. However, I can’t stop picturing me freaking out on the plane, even though that has never happened.
After confiding in a friend about this, she told me that I would be angry at myself if I didn’t go and it made me realise – I am angry at myself. My anxiety really restricts my life and it affects most aspects of my life therefore I’m constantly trying to think of ways to avoid stressful (for me) situations. I was close to tears reflecting on my anxiety; I remembered that I had been feeling anxious all day because I’ve been wearing a T-shirt, how irrational is that? High neck tops make me feel like I’m suffocating so for the past six months half of my wardrobe has been left untouched, resulting in me wearing the same tops over and over again.
However, this made me remember when I couldn’t wear a top at all and when I couldn’t wear my hair down because it made me overheat. And how I was forced to constantly splash water on myself or have a wet flannel across my chest and forehead to cool myself down. That realisation of how far I have came soothed my worries.
I know I have so far to go and it will be extremely hard work – but I have came so far so I should be proud. And for anyone else who is struggling with anxiety – remember all the progress you have made. Think back to the time when doing something seemed like the end of the world and know you have mastered it – the thing you achieved might seem inconsequential but it was still progress and a big step in your recovery.
Recovering from depression and anxiety is a huge task and it won’t happen overnight. It takes a lot of effort and there is a lot of ups and downs – but the important thing to remember is that you will get there. So when you’re having a bad day and doubting your ability to get better, cherish your progress and believe in yourself.
HEALING IS NOT LINEAR
Update: I did it. I recovered! And if I can do it, then you can too! Read about my recovery here -> The Real Christmas Miracle: Depression Recovery